Merry F**kin' Xmas to All...

It's Christmas morning and all through the house, not a creature is stirring; not even a mouse...so now I really have no clue what I'm making for Christmas dinner...I was counting on that mouse for stew or at least soup...geez.

No fat bastard in a red suit came down my chimney during the night. Not sure if it was the barbed wire on the roof or the bear trap on the grate that deterred him but anyway you look at it, he didn't even try. What kinda guy, I ask you, lets a few little obstacles stop him from doing the one thing he has to do all year???

Now there's a job I'd like...actually work one day a year other than in a supervisory capacity the rest of the time. House costs nothing cause no one else would want to live there anyway and the slave labor force he has pretty much handles everything for him. You know he has them doing everything from making the toys to polishing his boots to cleaning up reindeer shit when they go on the carpet.

They can't go anywhere either...he probably holds their green cards ( being elves, the cards have to be green) and ensures their loyalty that way along with the occasional beating or bottle of spiked egg nog. Where would they go....really??? Career choices are pretty limited for 2 foot high guys with pointed ears and horrible fashion sense. Other than cleaning gum out from under cafeteria tables without bending down or midget porn, they're pretty much out of luck.

With these thoughts in mind, Merry Christmas from the Wise Lemur and to all a good day filled with family, friends and as much booze as you need to tolerate both.

Does This Make Me a Bad Person?...

So, I'm sitting here contemplating the meaning of life, the existence of God or a godlike being and why more restaurants don't have Twinkies on the desert menu. My roommate is prepping for a trip to Florida for the holidays and then some and she goes to the salon to get her hair done. She returns to the house after better than 3 hours there and I say to her, "So what happened? Did they cancel your appointment?".

Does this make me a bad person?...I think not.

The dog is crashed out on the floor a few feet away and every once in awhile I get the "look. The look that says, "If you don't stop making noise with the frigging computer, I'm going to shit in your shoes while you sleep, you son of a bitch!" He's a good dog for the most part and rarely messes anything up but God forbid you forget to give him a friggin Milk Bone every hour or so. He starts acting like a junkie, pacing back and forth and muttering under his breath about "needing his fix." I don't always give them to him as he's getting fat from little exercise but I do occasionally like to mess with him and set one on the chair arm and make him wait..his tail wagging like it's going to snap off.

Does this make me a bad person?...I think not.

Well, I believe it's time for me to stop all this thinking as I feel the headache coming on. Stress is the number one killer of lemurs and this lemur feels it frequently of late. Think it's time to crank up the grill at 1:30 in the afternoon, open a beer and mess with the local wildlife by putting out bird food they don't like because I have a 50lb bag of it and I ain't throwing it away.

Does this make me a bad person?...I think not.

The One That Got Away...

Here I sit, fondly remembering a love from my past. She was incredibly beautiful, smart, funny and talented. We had some of the best times in my life and I know there is no way I will ever forget them. She was the kind of person you search for your entire life and some people never find.

After we parted ways many years ago, I always thought about her and probably quite a bit more that would have been considered healthy. I once even had a dream that she had been injured years later and actually pulled up the courage to call her parents to see if she was ok. Thank God, my dreams mean little to nothing in the bigger scheme of things and she was just fine.

While I'm not the biggest fan on the planet of Facebook, I do maintain a page. On a whim and through another friend's page, I had looked her up and saw that she too had a page. I sent a message to her with a friend request, to simply say hello and inquire if all was well. The reply was short and courteous but not much else and we never messaged again.

That was quite awhile back and as she has her page on private and out of respect for her, I never requested to be her friend there again. I did however, pull up the page occasionally and the picture was always the same. Her, at her job, back to the camera and doing what she loved to do.

Well, yesterday while cruising pages on Facebook, I ran across her name again. I clicked on the page to see a new picture and it truly sunk in. It is a picture of a stunning beautiful bride, looking the way she did years ago, a minister and the guy who was lucky enough to capture her heart. I wish them all the best and I know now that the one that got away, that once in a lifetime chance, is truly gone.

R.I.P. My Old Friend

Today marks the passing of a very dear friend of mine. I have known him for some 3 years now and it saddens me to no end that he is gone. We went through some serious times together and some fun ones too. We have traveled the country together, sharing experiences and adventures. With his help, I have gotten jobs, met good friends and enriched my life more than I can say. So for now, I bid him farewell and good voyage to the great beyond.



Goodbye my old friend...you will be missed.

Yet another brilliant move by the U.S. Government...

The newest bit of idiocy from the FDA and the US Government is to put pictures of cancer victims and diseased body parts on cigarette packages. There have been many, many moronic ideas implemented to slow or curb the sale of items in this country but this one by far has to be the stupidest. This is going to have the complete opposite effect they are looking for, without a doubt.

To begin with, the one audience, children and teens, they are trying to deter from buying cigarettes are going to flock en mass to buy these once these new packages are released. They are effectively turning them into collector's items by altering the packages in this fashion. Children who never smoked will want these to show off to their friends as being "cool" and they will find a way to buy them.

Secondly, the idea that this will stop anyone from buying them or smoking is flat out ludicrous. People will not stop using a product simply because the packaging has been changed. What this will do is increase sales from China of cigarette cases and holders into the US.

The warnings that are on tobacco packages already are quite sufficient to notify the user of the potential dangers. Anyone who has smoked for any period of time knows the risks and dangers of lighting up. If the government feels the need to put glaring warnings on products for public use, they should not discriminate.

Let them post pictures on the side of luxury cars of crashes and mangled bodies. Let's start seeing pictures of exploded hearts on energy drink cans, exercise equipment and on the walls of the local gyms. Donut boxes and candy wrappers should sport pictures of rotted teeth and gums along with containers of fat sucked out after a liposuction procedure.

There is a risk in everything we do as individuals. The majority of us are thinking adults who are quite capable of making our own decisions based on facts. The last thing we need as a people is someone posting pictures like we are morons who can't read a simple statement. This insult to our intelligence is by far more degrading than the fact that the American public helped put these people in power. However, not by much.

Be Yourself

Been thinking on this for awhile and decided to put it in writing to be saved for posterity’s sake. My office is pretty much my living room and my office chair is my recliner. The 42” flat screen is on constantly for background noise while I work so I get to see quite a bit of TV during the day which translates in too hundreds of commercials a day.

I’m seeing more and more commercials that are enabling women in particular, multiple ways to alter their appearance without surgery. They have bras that give them a whole new chest and drawers that push their ass up and out so it looks like you could rest a beer on it. There’s make up that is intended to make them look more “natural”, even though removing it would take a paint scraper most days and snap on teeth to cover that gap for a “perfect smile.”

Fellas, when you go to the club or the bar and you see the hotties that abound like so many nerds at a Star Trek convention….Beware! They have so many products out there that likely what you’re looking at is using one or more of these accessories to ensure that they snare whatever they are looking for. The best accessory for guys ever invented was the rolled up sock for God’s sake…they give us very little in the competition end of things.

Gentleman, this little bit is meant as a friendly word of warning. There are women out there deceiving all of us with padding and restrictive garments. Because at the end of the day, when all the fancy clothes and removable accessories come off and the real person is there for all to see, you may just end up with this:

Genetic Experiments Must Be Stopped!!!